The first thing I learned when I started to attend parenting classes was that parents have two parenting goals. The first goal is the development of independence and responsibility and the second parenting goal is the development of social interest. A hallmark of Adlerian Psychology is the concept of social interest. In German the word is Gemeinschaftsgefuhl, also referred to as ‘community feeling’. This concept is about having empathy and having compassion for others. It’s about putting the common good before our own self-interests. It’s learning to live cooperatively with everyone and having respect for ourselves, respect for others and for the community we live in. Developing social interest in children begins in the family home. The home is the training ground to teach children how to get along with others, how to care for others, and to teach children the give and take in life so they learn cooperation. Here are some ways to develop social interest in children.
There are many components to social interest, but one of the key ingredients to cultivating a feeling of concern for others is to teach children empathy. How do we teach children empathy? We start by helping children manage their feelings by naming and identifying them. You can help them identify emotions in other children too, while reading a book, or watching a show. Talking about other people’s feelings can help them learn about how others might be feeling in different situations. Not only are we helping them grow their emotional vocabulary by labelling the feelings, but we are also helping them growing their emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is based on our social-emotional skills. Daniel Goleman explains in his book titled, “Emotional Intelligence”, that the ability to understand other people and to be able to work with them is critical to being successful. Emotional intelligence also influences children in how they make decisions, how they deal with their feelings, how they cope with stress and how they problem-solve. Children who develop strong social-emotional skills will be able to manage their assignments, study for tests and hold down a job because it’s tied to their self-regulation and internal motivation.
The other component of social interest is the ability to live cooperatively with others. Of course we want our children to be able to take care of themselves and be good decision makers, but we also want them to become cooperative, contributing members of society. As parents we need to start thinking of our kids as ‘contributors’ who want to help out around the house and to participate in the daily function of things. P’s & C’s (participation and contribution) doesn’t necessarily mean chores. You can invite your children to help out in many different ways, from asking their opinion on matters or getting them to help you with something, or holding the door open or bringing in the groceries. This teaches them the give-and-take in life. That we are helping each other out not because we are forced to help, but because everyone contributes to the success of the family and works as a team. If we want children to learn cooperation we need to give them a chance to experience cooperation by treating them as equals in a democratic family.
In the book “The Effective Parent” it has an activity at the end of one of their chapters about practicing cooperation. It says “undertake some project that involves working together as a family-doing yard work, cleaning out the attic, painting a room, preparing a meal. Use this opportunity for give-and-take this project provides to develop the social interest priority in family members. Practice cooperation.”
Let’s not forget to thank Alfred Adler who introduced us to this concept of social interest. Here we leave off with one of Adler’s most popular quotes. “To see with the eyes of another, to hear with the ears of another, to feel with the heart of another. For the time being, this seems to me an admissible definition of what we call social feeling.” -Alfred Adler
By Kylah Harrington
Credit – Don Dinkmeyer, Gary D. McKay, Don Dinkmeyer, Jr., James S. Dinkmeyer, and Joyce L. McKay, The Effective Parent. (United States: AGS American Guidance Service Inc. 1987).
Credit – Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence. (Bantam; Revised edition Sept. 27 2005).