The Parent Education Network’s most popular workshop is based on the classic book called “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” written by leading parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This book and workshop covers many common problems we have at home, from dealing with your child’s feelings to finding alternatives to punishment. The second chapter of the book, Engaging Cooperation is about the daily struggles we have trying to coax our children into doing everything they need to do in a day. From brushing teeth, to getting tucked in and everything in between. How do we talk to them in ways that doesn’t hurt the relationship or their self-esteem? Engaging Cooperation teaches us five effective skills to that will create a climate of respect so that cooperation can begin to grow.
Describe what you see or describe the problem is a simple skill you can start practicing straight away. It takes the blame out of what we say and helps everyone focus on what needs to be done. By describing the event we take the ‘you’ out of the message. Instead of saying, “You spilled the milk,” we can describe the problem and say “The milk spilled. We need a sponge.” This helps children deal with the problem as opposed to being the problem.
Give information As a child I would much rather be given information than to be criticized. I would rather hear my parent say, ‘It would be really helpful if the table were set for dinner now.” Instead of, “Would it ever occur to you to give me a hand at dinner?” It’s easy to spot the comment that stimulates cooperation and the comment that hurts the relationship. Once children are given information, they can figure out what needs to be done.
Say it with a word is an effective way to get straight to the point. Children dislike hearing long lectures and sermons, so it helps if we can say it in a word. Instead of lecturing your child about forgetting to feed the family pet, just say “Billy, the dog.” Instead of nagging your children to put on their pyjamas, just say “Kids, pyjamas!” Like the old saying goes, less is more.
Talk about your feelings is a way to describe what you feel, without being hurtful. As a parent you have the right to express your feelings of anger or annoyance, but you can do it in a way that doesn’t come across as an attack. The trick is to start your sentence with an I-message, either with an “I” or an “I feel” statement. You could say, “I don’t like having my sleeve pulled” or “I feel frustrated when I start to say something and can’t finish!” Remember, we can be kind in what we say, and how we say it.
Write a note is a fun skill to introduce at home at any age. All children love receiving little notes and messages from their parents. Even if children are too young to read them, they are thrilled to receive a printed message and can ask their parents to read it to them. It’s also a more pleasant way of reminding your children of the rules without having to get louder and louder. Like the book says, “Sometimes nothing we say is as effective as the written word.” Keep a pad and pen handy and try it out!
If you’re having daily struggles and battles with your children, choose a skill or any combination of skills to try at home and see if you can engage their cooperation by working together as a team.
By Kylah Harrington
Credit: Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York, Avon, 1980