One of the most essential skills needed for successful relationships is communication. Effective communicators know how to listen and know how to communicate their own ideas and feelings. To maintain a satisfying relationship with your child, you must communicate effectively. Unfortunately, many parents often use poor communication with their children. They nag, correct, advise, lecture, threaten, probe and remind children constantly. These tactics are roadblocks to communication and diminish the relationship.
The sort of communication we are aiming for is built on mutual respect, which means we allow each other to express their feelings and beliefs without fear of rejection. The key effective communication is acceptance. It means accepting what the other person says. You may not agree with your children but you can accept their feelings. You show acceptance from the tone and words you use.
Becoming an effective listener also requires concentration. It involves establishing eye contact and body language that shows you are listening. Our actions, facial expressions and tone of voice communicate whether or not we are listening to our children.
Reflective Listening requires letting them know that we recognize the feelings behind what they are saying. We can reflect and clarify feelings to help lay the foundation for the child to resolve the problem. Reflective listening provides a sort of mirror for the child to see himself or herself more clearly. It’s grasping what the child feels and means and stating it back to them.
Child – “That teacher is so unfair! I’ll never do well in that class!”
Parent – “You’re feeling angry and disappointed and you’ve given up.”
Communication between two people can be described in terms of closed and open responses. A closed response tends to cut off communication by demonstrating an unwillingness to accept and understand feelings. An open response acknowledges the child’s feelings by demonstrating that the listener accepts what they feel and say, therefore showing understanding.
Child – “I am never going to play with her again!”
Closed – “Why don’t you just forget it. She probably didn’t mean it.”
Open – “You’re really angry with her.”
Reflective listening means we produce open responses which reflect the child’s feelings and meanings. It is non-judgemental. It encourages the child to feel heard and keep talking.
Credit – Don Dinkmeyer, Gary D. McKay. The Parent’s Handbook STEP. Third Edition. United States: AGS American Guidance Services Inc. 1989