Nothing hurts the relationship between the parent and child more than using punishment. It may be effective in the short term but it comes at a cost and also deprives the child of understanding and experiencing their behaviour when we punish. If we get angry and yell, send them away or threaten them, the child feels hurt and becomes preoccupied with feelings of resentment.  It’s a lose-lose situation.

Here are some alternatives to punishment to try out:

Express your feelings strongly without attacking their character. In the heat of the moment you can only tell them how you are feeling about the situation and state the facts. You want to try and control the situation, not the child. So that means you can only decide what you will do in that moment.

State your expectations. When there is a pattern or a repeated problem with behavior, it’s important to state what your expectations are. So, if it’s always a problem with sibling fighting at a restaurant, you give them a head’s up about what you expect and what the consequences are if the fighting starts up. Think of it as a type of social training. It doesn’t completely eliminate the problem but downgrades it and keeps your relationship intact.

Show the child how to make amends. We need to give the child a chance to make amends first. They should be thinking about what they can do now. Perhaps apologize, or if they don’t like being put on the spot you can encourage the empathy when they feel ready. If they were being destructive or disrespectful, you can ask them to try that again. Kids love to get a do-over. You can see on their faces that they already feel bad, so giving them a second chance is super effective in training them socially.

Give a choice. Offering choice gives children the opportunity to make decisions and decide for themselves. The power sits with them. That is empowering. It also helps stay clear of power struggles that leads to fights. We improve matters when we inject choice into tricky situations where cooperation is difficult.

Take action. If we want to change the behaviour of children we need to stop talking and act. Words are futile. Words are supposed to be a way of communicating but in a time of conflict words become weapons. Drop the expectation that asking, demanding and threats will be enough to make a child do something. We must adopt the motto “At the time of conflict, keep your mouth shut and act.”

Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior. If we allow a child to experience the consequences of their acts, we provide an honest and real learning situation. Letting the child experience consequences for their misbehaviour is the most important method of preserving order. The child cannot arrive at this inner acceptance of order until they realize that it is more satisfying to respect the rules of conduct than it is to violate them.

Problem-Solve. Talk about both you and your child’s needs and feelings and then brainstorm a mutually agreeable solution. Write down all the ideas without evaluating and decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like and which you plan on following through. Follow through and find out who will be responsible for what and what steps you need to take to get this plan into motion.

Fights should be viewed as a family problem in need of a solution rather that a misbehavior that needs disciplinary action. These techniques will help improve your relationships and create a more respectful home environment.

From: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York, New York: Avon Books. Print (1982)