Children don’t develop responsibility when parents are too strict, nor when parents are too permissive. Children learn responsibility when they have the opportunity to learn valuable life skills in an atmosphere of kindness, firmness, dignity and respect. Jane Nelsen, author of the very popular book ‘Positive Discipline’ explains kindness and firmness at the same time.
“Kindness is important in order to show respect for the child. Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation.” The controlling style of parenting lacks kindness and the permissive style lacks firmness. Jane Nelsen credits psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs with teaching the importance of using both in our relationship with our children.
Three main approaches for parent-child interaction:
Controlling: Order without freedom: No choices: ‘Because I said so’
Permissive: Freedom without order: Unlimited choices: ‘You can do anything you want’
Positive Discipline: Freedom with order: Limited choices: ‘You can choose within limits that show respect for all’
Positive Discipline – “Together we will decide on the rules for our mutual benefit. We will also decide together on solutions that will be helpful to all concerned when we have problems. When I must use my judgement without your input, I will use firmness with kindness, dignity and respect.”
Here are some kind and firm phrases to help you stay respectful:
- ‘Your turn is coming.”
- “I know you can say that in a respectful way.”
- “I care about you and will wait until we can both be respectful to continue the conversation.”
- “I know you can think of a helpful solution.”
- Act, don’t talk: Quietly and calmly take the child by the hand and show him or her what needs to be done.
- “We’ll talk about this later. Now is the time to get in the car.”
- (When the child is having a tantrum.) “We need to leave the store now. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
Credit: Jane Nelsen. Positive Discipline, The Positive Approach. United States: Ballantine Books. 2006.