Why do children misbehave? Why do kids act in ways that deliberately gets them into trouble? Sometimes children misbehave trying to get their needs met. Renowned psychologist Alfred Adler said that since children are social creatures they need to feel belonging and to feel significant within the group. A child will experiment with lots of behaviours, good and bad, and will quickly learn which behaviours work at getting their needs met. It may seem odd that kids act in ways that would get them into trouble, but it all serves a purpose and that purpose or goal is what we must try to understand.
Rudolph Dreikurs was a pupil of Alfred Adler who developed Adler’s system of Individual Psychology into a pragmatic method for understanding the purposes of children’s misbehaviour. In his book, “CHILDREN: The Challenge”, he explains that “Children want desperately to belong. If all goes well and the child maintains his courage, he presents few problems. He does what the situation requires and gets a sense of belonging through usefulness and participation. But if he has become discouraged, his sense of belonging is restricted. His interest turns from participation in the group to a desperate attempt at self-realization through others. All his attention is turned toward this end, be it through pleasant or disturbing behaviour, for one way or another, he has to find a place.”
According to Dreikurs, there are four ‘mistaken goals’ used by discouraged children. They are: the desire for undue attention; the struggle for power; retaliation & revenge, and complete inadequacy. It is essential to understand these mistaken goals if we want to help our children change their goal.
The desire for undue attention is the child’s first mistaken goal used by discouraged children as a means for feeling that they belong. Some children strive for significance by becoming the centre of attention, believing they only belong by being noticed or served. As parents, we often find their behaviour annoying, prompting us to resort to reminders, nagging, coaxing, or disciplinary measures. Unfortunately, our reactions merely affirm their conviction that their attention-seeking tactics are effective. Dreikurs advocates the strategy of ignoring misbehaviour when possible, while actively acknowledging and reinforcing positive behaviour at times when a child isn’t actively seeking it. This approach of ignoring the behaviour, rather than the child, fosters a more positive parent-child connection.
The struggle for power is the second mistaken goal and can happen when a parent and child each attempt to show the other who is boss. The power struggle usually occurs after a parent has continuously tried to stop the child’s demands for attention. The child then becomes determined to use power to defeat the parent. According to Dreikurs, parents need to withdraw from the conflict, and not allow ourselves to be engaged in a fight. Instead, show children how to use their power constructively by appealing for the child’s help and enlisting their co-operation. Realize that fighting or giving in only increases the child’s desire for power.
The third mistaken goal occurs from the escalation of the power struggle. When a parent and child find themselves locked in a power struggle, both attempting to assert dominance over the other, it can lead to a cycle of escalating retaliation. Feeling discouraged, the child may resort to seeking revenge as their only way to regain a sense of significance and importance. Now the child believes they belong only by hurting others as they feel hurt and that they cannot be loved. So the third mistaken goal becomes one of retaliation and revenge. “Such children, who need encouragement the most, get it the least.” Dreikurs offers a few alternatives for parents stuck in a revenge cycle. Firstly, avoid feeling hurt by not taking it personally. Avoid all punishment and retaliation which only harms the relationship, start building trusting relationships and convince the child that they are loved.
The fourth goal is used by the completely discouraged child. Their goal is to display complete inadequacy. The child’s faulty belief is, “I belong only by convincing others not to expect anything from me. That I am helpless.” Parents also share their child’s feelings of despair and hopelessness and have a tendency to agree with the child that nothing can be done. However, Dreikurs offers some tips to help parents respond to children who have given up on themselves. “Stop all criticism; encourage any positive attempt, no matter how small and focus on the child’s strengths and assets. Above all, don’t be hooked into pity and don’t give up!”
“When we become aware of the four possible mistaken goals behind children’s misbehaviour, we have a basis for action.” – Rudolph Dreikurs
By Kylah Harrington
CREDIT: Rudolf Dreikurs and Vicki Soltz, Children: The Challenge (New York: Hawthorn, 1964).